Saying no to say yes

According to Merlin Mann, priorities are like arms. If you claim to have more than a couple, you're either lying or crazy.

And as a chronic over-committer, I think he's right. There's an almost unlimited amount of things I'd like to do, but I've always struggled to pick one thing and give that my undivided attention.

I'm also a real people pleaser, and struggle to say no. I have to physically sit on my hands to not volunteer whenever somebody really should do something.

But I know it's a trap. No matter how well I plan, I’m still a human with fluctuating energy, hormones, and the occasional curveball from other people. So lately, I’ve been rethinking this whole idea of balance.

Eras, not balance

Life is short and capacity limited. When push comes to shove, what do you actually need to do? What can you die happy if you did? And what do these things look like when you're having a bad day?

I fully believe that you can do amazing things, and many of them, but not at the same time.

Balance is often professed as the ideal to strive for, but I'm having second thoughts about that. Instead, I try to think in eras. Piano learning eras, novel writing eras, training for that marathon eras. For the latter, you don’t just need to put in a certain amount of running hours, you need them within a certain period of time leading up to the race. Otherwise you're just exercising. It's nice, it's good for you, but it's not getting you marathon ready.

Balance isn’t doing everything every day or even every week. It’s deciding what matters most right now — and trusting it’ll even out over a lifetime.

Something's got to give

I don’t think I’m the only one who’s been trying to hack life for years. Planning better and working smarter helped — learning to actually use a calendar was life-changing — but I’ve realised: you can only optimise so far.

It's brutal, but at some point you'll have to start saying no to the other stuff. That extra project at work doesn't just steal time, but brain juice. The weekend with the girls might mean no new sketches this week. That Netflix series could’ve been a class — or maybe a nap, or a few bars of your song-in-progress.

Not choosing is also a choice — and sometimes, it’s the more comfortable one, especially when The Thing I want feels daunting or difficult. It’s easier to not have time for it.

Our lives aren’t the same, though. Some of us have a lot less wiggle room than others. But the less space you have in your life, the more important the little choices are. Do I scroll on my phone in the train, or read a couple of pages?

There can also be joy in saying no. While eating well is important to me, I’m quite happy to have the same dinner for weeks on end if it frees up time for other things. Come hell or high water though, I will make it to rehearsal with my choir, because it gives me energy that I float on for a whole week after.

Let's talk about no

If you read this and feel like this sounds great for other people, but impossible for you, it might be worth looking at why. Do you feel like you can't say no because other people really can't manage without you? Unless these people are small children you're responsible for, that's not being nice, it's condescending.

They probably will have fun at the party without you. The work project can be done by someone who will grow and learn from it. Your friend can hire a moving company.

Do your thing. Try to say politely no to the stuff that feels like a chore. Not everyone will love that — some might take it personally, because if you do your thing, they might have to face their own priorities. Or when they can't say no, receiving one feels like rejection. I've been on that side of the table too, but come out inspired after reflecting a bit on why that was.

Life is short, other people can do as they want, and so should you.

Make your no-list

There's a lot of science on goal setting that shows how being specific, and writing down what you want, makes you more likely to achieve it.

Life hack: you can also use this technique for what you don't want.

I need completely-alone-time, and am willing to sacrifice an hour of sleep to get it. My friend Gina puts exercise and writing before everything else, including my excellent company. My partner checks our balcony plants before the news.

Listing what you want is easy, what you're willing to let go is the real challenge. But I promise it's worth it. Here are some things I consciously choose not to prioritise:

• A tidy home
• Being very fashionable
• Doing exciting things on the weekends
• Scrolling as recreation
• Watching more than one episode of anything at a time

What's on yours?

Hit reply and tell me one thing you’re ready to stop doing — and what you’d rather make space for instead. I really do read every reply, and I love hearing what you’re working toward.