Criticism

It really doesn't have to be awful

I studied classical music for years, and while most of my teachers were great, some were brutal. It's intense to subject yourself to the one-on-one and public criticism the way you do in these institutions. A good teacher can help you improve in ways you'd never be able to alone – and should aim to make themselves redundant. If they're bad, you risk developing nothing but unhealthy reaction patterns and a broken self-confidence.

Maybe you've had similar experiences in other fields, like sports, academia, or work. And if you're brave enough to practise your craft in public, eventually, someone is going to have thoughts about it.

So what do we do?

Opinions are not facts

Carefully crafted and thoughtfully delivered criticism can be a precious gift — that’s why we pay people to teach us things. But not all feedback is created equal, and neither are we as recipients of it.

Some of us are more neurotic, more sensitive, and more likely to react strongly to the slightest hint of rejection. If you're underrepresented, you might also be sick, tired, and sad from defending your mere presence — let alone the quality of your work. Being neurodivergent can come with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). Past or present bad relationships might have trained you to fight, flight, fawn, or freeze instead of actually listening.

None of this makes you “weak” or “too emotional.” Nor does it mean you have to suffer forever.

First, breathe, then listen

The trick isn’t to not feel bad. The trick is to not react while you feel bad.

So if you can: do nothing. Just say "Ok, thank you". If you have the capacity, you can ask follow-up questions to make sure you understood exactly what they meant. Then just walk away and let it sting. See a friend, clean something, breathe fresh air.

Later on, when your pulse drops, you can come back and see what’s left.

Sort the garbage from the gold

To decide whether criticism is worth your time and attention, ask:

1. Is it coming from someone I’d ask for advice, or at least someone whose opinion I respect? What’s their background and perspective? If you don’t agree with their taste, you don’t have to take their opinions — just be sure you’re protecting the work, not your ego.
2. Is it about the work, about me, or about them? Everyone has an agenda. You should see the sourdough bricks I’ve praised just to keep my partner baking (now I get gorgeous homemade bread). Sometimes people project their own insecurities without even realising. Or they just don't understand what you're doing.
3. Is there something in here I can use? If it’s vague, mean-spirited, or clearly about their own baggage — into the bin it goes.
   
   Is it specific, and stings because it’s true? That’s the gold. That's something you can work with.

Bonus tip: If you know what's coming, be prepared to take notes, or even record it (ask first!). I do this because I know my brain is likely too busy in the moment to really take everything in.

Get better at giving it

If you want to be someone who handles criticism well, it helps to also have the perspective of someone who gives it. You'll quickly notice how easy it is to both misunderstand and be misunderstood, or forget to ask questions.

When your friend shows you their half-finished idea, they’re not asking you to fix it. They’re asking you to see it.

Notice what’s working. Be specific. Then ask what kind of feedback they actually want.

Take it or leave it

Sometimes you'll make things that just don't land, no matter how much you like it. Or you will know you missed the mark entirely. That's ok.

So next time someone rains on your parade – remember: it's just words. Take what you can use, compost the rest, and keep going.

And if you dare, tag me on Instagram @breaksomethingstudio and tell me what feedback you want – or just give me a clean high-five!

Nora Mihle Asklund is the writer, musician and ex-Patreon lead behind Break Something Studio – a kitchen party on the internet for people who make stuff. She helps creators stay weird, brave and stubborn enough to keep going. Find more of her thoughts and experiments at breaksomething.studio or on Instagram @breaksomethingstudio.